Daughter says with shyness "Like the advt. of British Airways"
Mother reads the advt. and shocked : 7 days a week , twice a day , both ways.
Ticket checker fined ticketless girls.Jeans girl is fined Rs.100.Midi girl is Rs.50
Half skirt girl Rs.25.Next girl was fined Rs.0. Why ? Think positive .She had a ticket.
What is difference between
1.Girl friend
2.Lover
3.Wife
4. Stepney
It is simple
1.Prepaid
2.Lifetime
3.Post paid
4. Coinbooth
A beautiful blonde goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy that's so homely looking, he hasn't had a date in over a year, also, he's sooooo dumb that one night he slept with a ruler next to his head to see how long he slept. So he figures that he has absolutely no chance in the world to score a date with this ravishing buxom blonde.
Then suddenly she strikes up a conversation with him and soon they become rather chummy. It starts to get late and the bartender calls out last drink for alcohol, then the blonde leans over to the guy and says, "Let's have this last drink at my apartment."
Taken back by her request, and trembling, the guy finally utters the word, "OK."
They get up from the bar stool arm and arm headed for the door, when the blonde stops him and says, "Before we go back to my apartment there's one thing I have to tell you, I'm on my menstrual cycle."
He says, ..."What a coindence, I'm riding a Honda!"
Adult jokes-Mistaken identity
Mark and Michael were identical twins, who would confuse many people who did not know them.Mark owned a disapidated old boat, which sank the same day Michael's wife died.
A few days later, a kind old woman saw Mark and mistaking him for Michael, said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel so terrible."
Mark, thinking that she was talking about his boat, replied; "Heck no. In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, and a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to
these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to useher anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle."
The old lady fainted.
Adult jokes-Culture
A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture.Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.
The Irishman then replies, 'Well... it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'
The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics. '
The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Irish were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'
The Irishman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women.'
Adult funny jokes-Health Plan
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was being given a hand job by a nurse's aide.
"Oh my God!" said the woman. "That's disgraceful! "
The doctor leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if they aren't emptied at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh, well that's reasonable, then." said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Shocked, the woman said, "Oh my GOD! That's truly disgraceful! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor replied calmly, "Same illness, better health plan."
Adult jokes-Dentist
Terribly agitated, Jawad rushed into his dentist's examining room and ushered the hygienist firmly to the door. Once he was alone with the doctor, he unzipped his fly and gingerly pulled out his dick.
"Jawad, Jawad," said the dentist, taken aback. "I'm a dentist. If you think you have V.D., you need to see your regular doctor."
"It's not V.D.," gasped Jawad, "and you've gotta help me. There's a tooth stuck in it."
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of
the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I asked
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
"I earned it hiking", he replied.
"Hiking? ?? Come on son; tell your dad the truth. Nobody can make that kind of money hiking. Where did you get the cash from?"
"It's like I say, Dad. Every night when you were gone, Mr. Johnson, from the bank would come over to see mom and give me a $20.00 bill and tell me to take a hike."
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "But I need my hands to hold onto my hat"?
"But madam, he said, "you must know that you're derriere is exposed!"??
The woman looked down,then back up at the man and said,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat yesterday!"
A cop stops his patrol car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. The guy is laying on his side with his pants pulled down, the girl has her finger in his ass-hole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.
The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"
The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pouring down the booze.
Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."
The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."
She says, "Yeah? Wait till I put this finger in his mouth."
A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen.
"Mom?" she asks. "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?"
The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her privates.
"Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother. So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night.
While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.
Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.
"What's wrong, honey?" she asked.
He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!"
"Jawad, Jawad," said the dentist, taken aback. "I'm a dentist. If you think you have V.D., you need to see your regular doctor."
"It's not V.D.," gasped Jawad, "and you've gotta help me. There's a tooth stuck in it."
Really funny jokes-Painful
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
Adult sardar jokes-Accident
Banta is driving his car and finds Santa sitting on the road, looking like he'd just been run over by some vehicle. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised.
Banta stops and he asks him, "Hey, What happens to you?"
"Look!", and he points a crashed car.
"Well, don't care and buy another car," Banta suggested.
"Look inside the car!" said Santa
"Well, don't care and get another girl, and that's all."
"Look inside her mouth!!!"
Banta stops and he asks him, "Hey, What happens to you?"
"Look!", and he points a crashed car.
"Well, don't care and buy another car," Banta suggested.
"Look inside the car!" said Santa
"Well, don't care and get another girl, and that's all."
"Look inside her mouth!!!"
Funny adult jokes-The Miracle of Toilet paper
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion."If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of
the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I asked
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
Adult jokes-Hiking
A Father came home from a long buisness trip to find his young son riding a brand new bike. "Where did you get the money for that?" , he asked. "It must have cost you over $300.00!""I earned it hiking", he replied.
"Hiking? ?? Come on son; tell your dad the truth. Nobody can make that kind of money hiking. Where did you get the cash from?"
"It's like I say, Dad. Every night when you were gone, Mr. Johnson, from the bank would come over to see mom and give me a $20.00 bill and tell me to take a hike."
Funny adult jokes-The joys of aging
An old lady was standing at the rail of the cruise ship holding her hat so that it wouldn't blow away in the wind.A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "But I need my hands to hold onto my hat"?
"But madam, he said, "you must know that you're derriere is exposed!"??
The woman looked down,then back up at the man and said,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat yesterday!"
A cop stops his patrol car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. The guy is laying on his side with his pants pulled down, the girl has her finger in his ass-hole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.
The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"
The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pouring down the booze.
Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."
The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."
She says, "Yeah? Wait till I put this finger in his mouth."
A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen.
"Mom?" she asks. "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?"
The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her privates.
"Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother. So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night.
While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.
Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.
"What's wrong, honey?" she asked.
He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!"
nday, June 8, 2008
Adult jokes-Nick The Dragon Slayer
Far, far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts, but Nick the Dragon slayer knew the penalty for this desire would be death should he try and touch them.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
The moral of the story ~ Pay Your Bills!
Moral of the story:
(1) Not all Southerners are stupid.
(2) Not all blondes are dumb.
(3) But all men... are men
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
The moral of the story ~ Pay Your Bills!
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from Mississippi arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000)
on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless.'
With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, Southern Girl needs new clothes!'
As the dice bounced and came to a stop, she jumped up-and- down and squealed
'YES! YES! I WON! I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers...and then picked up her winnings, and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know... I thought you were watching.'
on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless.'
With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, Southern Girl needs new clothes!'
As the dice bounced and came to a stop, she jumped up-and- down and squealed
'YES! YES! I WON! I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers...and then picked up her winnings, and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know... I thought you were watching.'
Moral of the story:
(1) Not all Southerners are stupid.
(2) Not all blondes are dumb.
(3) But all men... are men
Funny adult jokes-Rent paid
“That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker,” the housewife told a neighbour.
“You didn’t do it, did you?”
“I have to admit I did… though with certain misgivings, I might add.
What I haven’t done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!”
The dog takes off, comes back a few minutes later, and barks once. The man asked the owner "What does that mean?"
The owner says "Well, he barked once, that means he saw one rabbit."
The guy says "OK, let's see it again."
The owner snaps his fingers and says "GO!" The dog takes off, comes back a few minutes later, and barks twice.
The guy asks "OK, what does that mean?"
The owner says "Well, he barked twice, that means he saw two rabbits."
The guy says "OK, one more time and he's sold." The owner snaps his fingers, the dog takes off, comes back carrying a stick and starts to hump his owners leg.
The guy says "WHAT! does that mean?
The owner says "Well, that means he just saw more fuckin' rabbits than you can shake a stick at!"
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time, and threatened suicide.So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
One night the husband wants to have sex desperately, but seeing the wife busy doing some work, goes to her and says, "I would like to put my candidate in your legislature. "
The wife, not realizing this was meant for something else, without raising her head says, "Our party is not going to accept this."
The husband is disappointed but he goes to sleep.
After some time the wife realizes what the husband meant, so she wakes him up and tells him, "Darling, now you can put your candidate in my legislature. "
The husband replied, "Sorry, I cannot do that. My candidate stood independent and lost his deposit!"
“You didn’t do it, did you?”
“I have to admit I did… though with certain misgivings, I might add.
What I haven’t done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!”
Adult funny jokes-Hunting Dog
This man wanted to buy a hunting dog. He heard of this guy who had a dog for sale, so he went to check it out. They get the dog out to the woods and the owner snaps his fingers and says "GO!"The dog takes off, comes back a few minutes later, and barks once. The man asked the owner "What does that mean?"
The owner says "Well, he barked once, that means he saw one rabbit."
The guy says "OK, let's see it again."
The owner snaps his fingers and says "GO!" The dog takes off, comes back a few minutes later, and barks twice.
The guy asks "OK, what does that mean?"
The owner says "Well, he barked twice, that means he saw two rabbits."
The guy says "OK, one more time and he's sold." The owner snaps his fingers, the dog takes off, comes back carrying a stick and starts to hump his owners leg.
The guy says "WHAT! does that mean?
The owner says "Well, that means he just saw more fuckin' rabbits than you can shake a stick at!"
Adult jokes-A Girl for Me
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time, and threatened suicide.So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
Funny adult jokes-Candidate in Legislature
A husband and wife are campaigning for a friend who is contesting the local elections. They both become so busy that they do not think of anything else but about the elections - so much so that they communicate about everything in political language.One night the husband wants to have sex desperately, but seeing the wife busy doing some work, goes to her and says, "I would like to put my candidate in your legislature. "
The wife, not realizing this was meant for something else, without raising her head says, "Our party is not going to accept this."
The husband is disappointed but he goes to sleep.
After some time the wife realizes what the husband meant, so she wakes him up and tells him, "Darling, now you can put your candidate in my legislature. "
The husband replied, "Sorry, I cannot do that. My candidate stood independent and lost his deposit!"
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