He is approached by three beautiful young women who take pity on him. The first says to him, ‘Have you ever been hugged?’ The man shakes his head, and she leans down and gives him a big hug.
The second says to him, ‘Have you ever been kissed?’ He shakes his head. She kisses him.
Rather abruptly, the third girl asks, ‘Have you ever been fucked?’ ‘No,’ says the man, his eyes lighting up.
‘Well, you are now. The tide’s coming in.’
This nun’s standing at a bus stop when a double-decker pulls up. As she gets on, the nun notices she’s the only passenger on the bus, so she turns to the driver and asks, ‘Could you do me a very special favour, Mr Driver?’
‘If I can,’ he replies. ‘Well, the thing is, I have a serious heart problem and I want to have sex for the first time before I die.’
‘Okay,’ answers the driver.
‘There are two conditions, though,’ continues the nun. ‘Firstly, we can’t do it if you’re married, because I don’t want to commit adultery. Secondly, it has to be anal sex, because I have to die a virgin.’
The bus driver gives a nod, so they clamber upstairs and get down to it. When it’s all over, though, the driver’s racked with guilt. ‘I’m so sorry, Sister, but I have a terrible confession – I’m married with three kids.’
‘Don’t fret, Mr Driver,’ replies the nun, sympathetically. ‘I have a confession, too. I’m on my way to a fancy-dress party and my name’s Kevin.’
Spying the group, the drunk stumbles over, points at one of the boys and shouts: ‘I’ve fucked your mum!’
The lads ignored him and returned to their beer.
He shouts again: ‘Up the ass!’
Although irritated, they ignore him again. The drunk stands up again points at the boy and yells: ‘Your Mum’s sucked my cock!’
The boy looks up wearily. ‘You’re drunk, Dad. Go home.’
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of firecrackers on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put 'Happy Diwali' under the firecrackers.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.
The woman then instructs him to put a tattoo of buckets of water with 'Happy Holi' up on her left thigh.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.
As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, 'If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?'
She said, 'I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Diwali and Holi.'
A woman guest approaches the bar in a small restaurant.
She calls the guy at the bar and when he is standing in front of her, she asks him in a very seductive way to come nearer. Then she bends over the desk and starts to caress his beard. 'Are you the owner of this place?' she asks and touches tenderly his cheek.
'Ehhh. No. Not at all!' he replies.
'Would you please call him here?' the lady asks and gently touches his hair.
'Oh, I'm very sorry. But no. Impossible!' the man sighs.
'Would you then please do me a great favour?' the lady asks and follows gently the line of his lips.
'Of course. What ever you wish!' the man moans.
'I want to leave a message for the boss!' she says and let first one - then two - fingers slip into his mouth which he gently sucks on.
'What message?' he asks with the two fingers in his mouth.
'Please tell him that there is no paper, nor soap, nor towel in the lady's room!'
A man and a woman were waiting in line at the hospital donation center.
Man: 'What are you doing here today?'
Woman: 'Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me Rs. 200 for it.'
Man: 'Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me Rs. 1000.'
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the same line.
Man: 'Hi there! Here to donate blood again?'
Woman: (shaking her head with mouth closed) 'Unh unh.'
Jaswinder was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere.
She's rushed to the hospital where she's put on a stretcher almost unconcious.
Doctor: OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.
Jaswinder: Ok.
Doctor: Ok the how many fingers am I putting up?
Jaswinder: Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!
